Parenting: Emotional Incest

Jacob, a participant in one of my telephonestarted this group, I've been realizing how much I
support groups, was exploring the fact that heam not taking care of my own feelings. When I
generally didn't like to be touched. He was sharingfeel bad, I often blame Leitha or complain to my
with the group a situation that used to happendaughter." "Phillip, how wonderful that you are
with his mother. "She used to sit me on therealizing this! How terrific that you are open to
couch with her and grab my arms and looklearning about this! What a huge difference it is
intently into my eyes, telling me how much shegoing to make to your daughter for you to start
loved me and how important to her I was. I don'tto take responsibility for your own feelings." "You
know exactly how to describe what I felt whenknow," said Phillip, "I'm excited about this. My
she did that." "Was it a yucky feeling?" askeddaughter has been having some problems lately
Sarah, another participant. "Yes, that's exactly theand I think this is why. I really do want to be a
word! Yucky! So yucky! Why did it feel soloving father, and I can see that I haven't
yucky?" "Because," Sarah said, "It was emotionalunderstood that I have to be loving to myself
incest. I know all about this yucky feeling. Mybefore I can really love her in the way she needs
father did the same thing with me." Emotionalto be loved. This is going to make a big difference
incest occurs when a parent energetically uses ain my relationship with Leitha too." "Sarah and
child to fill an inner emptiness that the parent isPhillip," said Jacob, "I am so grateful to both of
not taking responsibility for filling. When a parentyou for putting a name to what I experienced as
abandons himself or herself, that parent mighta child. It is really a relief to know that there was
latch on to a child to fill the black hole that occursa good reason for the yucky feelings, and for not
from self-abandonment. While it might not be asliking to be touched. I think that I have associated
traumatic as sexual incest, it occurs for the samemost touch with that yucky feeling of being pulled
reasons - a wounded parent using a childat to fill up my mother. I feel like knowing this,
addictively to get love and avoid pain. "Oh no!" saidmaybe I can start to give normal hugs to the
Phillip, another participant in the support group. "Ipeople who are important to me." A parent with
think I might be doing that to my 15 year olda gaping inner hole that comes from inner
daughter. No wonder she's been locking herabandonment cannot just stop the emotional
bedroom door." "What have you been doingincest. Certainly you can stop the overt actions,
Phillip?" I asked. "Lots of times when I'm feelingbut to stop the energetic pull, you need to be
badly or when Leitha (his wife) and I are havingdoing your own inner work so that you learn to fill
problems, I go into her room before she goes toyour own inner emptiness.
sleep and tell her how upset I am. I complain toMargaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight
her about things that are going on in my life. Ibooks, and co-creator of the powerful Inner
thought I was being a good dad - you know,Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a
spending time with her. But lately she has beenFREE Inner Bonding course: Phone sessions
asking me not to come into her room. Since Iavailable.