| Jacob, a participant in one of my telephone | | | | started this group, I've been realizing how much I |
| support groups, was exploring the fact that he | | | | am not taking care of my own feelings. When I |
| generally didn't like to be touched. He was sharing | | | | feel bad, I often blame Leitha or complain to my |
| with the group a situation that used to happen | | | | daughter." "Phillip, how wonderful that you are |
| with his mother. "She used to sit me on the | | | | realizing this! How terrific that you are open to |
| couch with her and grab my arms and look | | | | learning about this! What a huge difference it is |
| intently into my eyes, telling me how much she | | | | going to make to your daughter for you to start |
| loved me and how important to her I was. I don't | | | | to take responsibility for your own feelings." "You |
| know exactly how to describe what I felt when | | | | know," said Phillip, "I'm excited about this. My |
| she did that." "Was it a yucky feeling?" asked | | | | daughter has been having some problems lately |
| Sarah, another participant. "Yes, that's exactly the | | | | and I think this is why. I really do want to be a |
| word! Yucky! So yucky! Why did it feel so | | | | loving father, and I can see that I haven't |
| yucky?" "Because," Sarah said, "It was emotional | | | | understood that I have to be loving to myself |
| incest. I know all about this yucky feeling. My | | | | before I can really love her in the way she needs |
| father did the same thing with me." Emotional | | | | to be loved. This is going to make a big difference |
| incest occurs when a parent energetically uses a | | | | in my relationship with Leitha too." "Sarah and |
| child to fill an inner emptiness that the parent is | | | | Phillip," said Jacob, "I am so grateful to both of |
| not taking responsibility for filling. When a parent | | | | you for putting a name to what I experienced as |
| abandons himself or herself, that parent might | | | | a child. It is really a relief to know that there was |
| latch on to a child to fill the black hole that occurs | | | | a good reason for the yucky feelings, and for not |
| from self-abandonment. While it might not be as | | | | liking to be touched. I think that I have associated |
| traumatic as sexual incest, it occurs for the same | | | | most touch with that yucky feeling of being pulled |
| reasons - a wounded parent using a child | | | | at to fill up my mother. I feel like knowing this, |
| addictively to get love and avoid pain. "Oh no!" said | | | | maybe I can start to give normal hugs to the |
| Phillip, another participant in the support group. "I | | | | people who are important to me." A parent with |
| think I might be doing that to my 15 year old | | | | a gaping inner hole that comes from inner |
| daughter. No wonder she's been locking her | | | | abandonment cannot just stop the emotional |
| bedroom door." "What have you been doing | | | | incest. Certainly you can stop the overt actions, |
| Phillip?" I asked. "Lots of times when I'm feeling | | | | but to stop the energetic pull, you need to be |
| badly or when Leitha (his wife) and I are having | | | | doing your own inner work so that you learn to fill |
| problems, I go into her room before she goes to | | | | your own inner emptiness. |
| sleep and tell her how upset I am. I complain to | | | | Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight |
| her about things that are going on in my life. I | | | | books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner |
| thought I was being a good dad - you know, | | | | Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a |
| spending time with her. But lately she has been | | | | FREE Inner Bonding course: Phone sessions |
| asking me not to come into her room. Since I | | | | available. |