| "Lord, Teach us how to Pray..."So I kneeled down, | | | | give us this day our daily bread?""Ha, Son!, you |
| looked up with supplicant hands outstretched and | | | | guys have all those bases covered yourselves. 'Ol |
| oh mamma, it finally happened."Our | | | | Bart Simpson made us all roar in here when he |
| Father..""Yes?""Yes? What the hell!""You called me | | | | said 'Dear God, since we paid for all this food, |
| didn't you? It's me, the Father""Holy Crap, your | | | | thanks for nothing." What a kid! We need to |
| kidding!""No, I'm not kidding, you said "Our Father" | | | | change that to 'give us this day our daily booze |
| and you just happened to catch me in the area. | | | | and cigs and chips and fries.' I wish you guys |
| How can I help you?""Who art in heaven?"Well | | | | would all go back to daily bread. Then most of |
| duh, you're looking up aren't you? Although, I | | | | you wouldn't look like such little butter balls, |
| gotta tell you, "up" is kinda out these days. It's | | | | staggering through your day, smelling like hell and |
| really more of an "in there.""So you think I should | | | | having arteries filled with Elmer's glue. I've tasted |
| say, 'Our Father, who art in there?'"Yes, sounds | | | | some of the bread you guys make. Ewwwwww, |
| better doesn't it? And that's really where I | | | | no thanks! I used to give it with, you know, nice |
| am."You're not in Heaven?""Well I can be, but it's | | | | rain, great seeds, family farm stuff, but your big |
| not an 'up' here or even and 'out' here. I just like | | | | Ag. boys have pretty much taken over giving |
| 'in here" better. Just correct it next for next | | | | you all your daily bread and the shaft I might add, |
| time.""Hallowed be thy name.""No really, you can | | | | so we can leave that one out of the prayer.""And |
| cut that stuff out too. I don't need to be hallowed. | | | | forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin |
| I'm not that insecure. Years ago I told a crowd I | | | | against us?""Oh har har har! Now no one means |
| was a jealous God, and have never heard the | | | | that anymore. If I forgave you guys as you |
| end of it. Back then, there were others gods | | | | forgive each other, well I'd have to kill ya! You are |
| around and I was kinda kidding about feeling left | | | | becoming the most nasty, lying, self righteous, |
| out and not the Big Kahuna, so I threw in the | | | | unforgiving and judgmental bunch I have ever had |
| jealous thing. Well, that proved embarassing for | | | | on the planet to date! Seems the more you try |
| monotheism, something I promote, so we don't | | | | to make the world like you think I want it, the |
| say that anymore. I just told the 24 guys around | | | | more freaky you become. No, you best leave this |
| my throne who sing 'holy,holy holy' to me day | | | | one alone or at least don't mention it until you |
| and night, forever to knock it off. It REALLY | | | | really mean it.""And lead us not into |
| get's old! So you don't have to hallow me. I'm | | | | temptation?""Excuse me, I don't. You are doing |
| over it. How can I help you?""Thy Kingdom | | | | just fine with leading yourself. Why would I do |
| come?""Really? You want my kingdom to come? | | | | that anyway? Trust me, I have a lot more things |
| First drop the King James talk ok? Jesus and I | | | | to do than lead humanity into any more |
| talk that way to each other when we are goofin | | | | shenanigans than they lead themselves into |
| around, but not when we have some serious | | | | already! Oh oh, and I NEVER told the President to |
| things to discuss. So you want my Kingdom to | | | | take out Sadaam! And I didn't put him there |
| come huh? What's that mean?"I dunno. I was just | | | | either in the first place. Wait until you find out that |
| told to ask it.""Yeah, pretty common, but you | | | | story. Har har, oops sorry, I shouldn't make light |
| know, no one really means it. I mean, and trust | | | | of what you guys are quite capable of leading |
| me, government leaders don't mean it. Cause I'd | | | | yourselves into without my help. So let's drop this |
| be putting them out of business and taking them | | | | part. It makes me feel badly to think you all think |
| off the payroll. Lot's of company CEO's don't | | | | I'm behind all the temptations you just can't seem |
| mean it, because I'd be eliminating their products | | | | to resist. What's that? Oh, and Satan says get off |
| from the food chain and taking away their | | | | his back too. He doesn't do half the stuff he get's |
| incentive to screw people for bucks. And trust | | | | blamed for either.""But deliver us from evil?""Son, |
| me, the Evangelists, Apostles and Preachers don't | | | | if I did that, you'd all have to go. It takes the evil |
| mean it, because they'd find out just how wrong | | | | to contrast the good. Kinda like 'ol John Denver, |
| about tons of stuff they were.""Really?""Oh yeah | | | | he says hi, said 'relatively speaking, you make me |
| man really! Besides, I said it was already in you. I | | | | who I am. mountains need the valleys like the |
| put it there because I knew you humans would | | | | ocean needs the sand.' What's that? Oh, John |
| figure out how to look every last place in the | | | | says that's not how he said it...Well something like |
| universe for me, but never think to look inside. So | | | | that, but he got it right. So live with it and just |
| for the most part, they haven't found me. Cool | | | | don't be a part of it it when you spot it.""For |
| huh?""So you don't want them to find | | | | yours is the Kingdom and the Power and the |
| you?""Actually, not for now. I have to figure out | | | | Glory forever""Well no actually YOURS is the |
| how to convince and teach them that their | | | | Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, but that's |
| bringing in their idea of a Kingdom of Me is | | | | a nice thought at least. Of course every freakin |
| freaking scary and will lead to nothing but more | | | | day I watch your human governments push for |
| trouble. I gotta tell ya, Christian types who want | | | | their own form of kingdom. What's with all the |
| to run things like I did in the Old Testament, and | | | | spying you guys are doing on each other? |
| even after I changed my mind on some stuff in | | | | Actually the Power and all of the Glory belongs to |
| the New, scare the hell out of me. At least | | | | fewer and fewer of you take advantage of your |
| remember the Taliban for Go.., well never mind. | | | | position types. Wow, if you guys only could see |
| And I don't even believe in hell!" Just between you | | | | what's going on the way I do. What's that? Oh |
| and me, they made that up to scare the hell | | | | Jesus says tell your leaders they to quit doing the |
| INTO you! It's a control thing and they got that | | | | church thing and ignoring the message. Although |
| down pat.""So what is the Kingdom I am asking | | | | it's kinda fun when they pray in public to me, |
| for?""You can't handle it son, sorry. But you'll like it | | | | we're ignoring them too! You know, that 'what |
| when you come to see it, and you will. Everything | | | | goes around, comes around' thing.""Amen..""Wow, |
| in it's own time here.""Your will be done?""Well nice | | | | I never expected you to really answer me.""Yeah, |
| try, but while you might mean that, but most | | | | sometimes we pick someone to scare the hell out |
| don't even want to think of me getting involved in | | | | of and today was your day. Hope it didn't scare |
| what they want. I can't tell you how many times | | | | you too much.""No, no...I"m fine. Just |
| I have answered that one for people, and they | | | | thinking.""Yeah, we hear that a lot when we really |
| just freak out. They don't like my will, and | | | | answer that prayer. It's a bit out of date and |
| besides, I don't have near the one they think for | | | | maybe you guys that do seek a deeper |
| them to beg for. The problem seems to be we | | | | spirituality rather than just the religious thing, |
| think differently and well, they just didn't know | | | | which really does nothing but divide and mess you |
| that. One guy quoted a bunch of scriptures at me | | | | guys up, should drop it. Most don't mean it |
| just this morning about me making good on my | | | | anyway.""Ok, thanks. Well have a nice day.""Sure, |
| will for him. It was hilarious. He was quoting the old | | | | no problem, thanks for getting touch. Tell your |
| me, in the Old Testament, where I was jealous | | | | friends what I said. Well, actually don't. They will |
| and very angry at all the nations of the earth and | | | | just make things difficult for you. Oh oh...still |
| especially those bozo Israelites. I've changed a lot | | | | there?""Yes.""The Holy Spirit said to tell your |
| since then. I din't have the heart to really 'my will | | | | minister that, inspite of what the Apostle Paul |
| be done' him. He can't handle it either. Actually he | | | | said, it doesn't moan and peep and groan |
| spent about an hour trying to convince me that | | | | intercessions for people when they don't know |
| his will was my will, but twern't so.""On earth as it | | | | how to pray. Besides, if he did that to me, we'd |
| is in heaven?""Son, if I did that, mankind would | | | | just all break out laughing. Just because Paul never |
| think they just crossed over into a parallel | | | | new the human Jesus, only saw him in a vision in |
| universe. Besides, apples and oranges. There is | | | | his head, and the Gospels were written after he |
| not much here I can translate to anything you | | | | died, that is no reason to make up such a thing. |
| guys could handle 'down there', ha, just kidding. I'm | | | | The Holy Spirit says it's quite capable of coherent |
| in here remember. I wish I had never meantioned | | | | inspiration and doesn't moan and groan to me. I |
| the streets of gold thing. I was just kidding! Now I | | | | kinda felt sorry for HS when Paul made that up. |
| have to listen to all the Christian trader and | | | | We have teased HS endlessly to do that groany |
| investors hinting that they want in on the | | | | moany thing for us. Have a nice day.""Ok, I'll ask |
| heavenly gold market and just what is that? I | | | | him about that...and Amen again.""You bet... |
| never wrote that, but I did let it get past me.""So | | | | |